Dan:I've been
with my girlfriend for a year and a half. She was my first, but she's
dated around a bit. Since we first started having sex, I've had trouble
with premature ejaculation. At first, she didn't care because I was new
and she assumed I would get better. I haven't. Were talking 2 minutes
max.
I cut out masturbation and porn. I've practiced edging for months. We tried the start and stop but she hates it because it ruins sex having to pause every 30 seconds. I've tried reverse kegels. I've tried forward kegels. I went on paxil for a month. It killed my sex drive, I gained weight, and I changed my personality. I've tried cock rings. She likes it when I do oral, but she wants PIV sex.
We've talked about it a lot. We both know the negative impact it's had on our relationship. We barely have sex once a week. If that.
I love this girl with all my heart. But we both know we can't take it to the next level unless were sexually compatible. She loves me, but she no longer desires me like she used to.
I'm at wits end. Help me please.
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Azif:
This is how I approached premature ejaculation: Start masturbating every day, but when you do masturbate go as slowly as possible and try to set a timer to increase the amount of time you masturbate before you ejaculate. Every time you feel like you are about to reach the point you are going to ejaculate just stop and breathe for a couple seconds and let the feelings subside before you get back to masturbating. Sometimes it even works to squeeze the head of your dick when you feel like you are going to ejaculate this can help the feelings subside so you can increase the amount of time you masturbate.
For example on day one I told myself when i masturbate i am not going to ejaculate until 5 mins of masturbating, the next day I went to 6, the next day 7, the next day 8, the next day 9, and so on until i was reaching a point where I could masturbate for about 15-20 mins without ejaculating. This technique helped build me build a "tolerance" so when I actually had sex I could last longer and longer as time went on.
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Peter:
I cut out masturbation and porn. I've practiced edging for months. We tried the start and stop but she hates it because it ruins sex having to pause every 30 seconds. I've tried reverse kegels. I've tried forward kegels. I went on paxil for a month. It killed my sex drive, I gained weight, and I changed my personality. I've tried cock rings. She likes it when I do oral, but she wants PIV sex.
We've talked about it a lot. We both know the negative impact it's had on our relationship. We barely have sex once a week. If that.
I love this girl with all my heart. But we both know we can't take it to the next level unless were sexually compatible. She loves me, but she no longer desires me like she used to.
I'm at wits end. Help me please.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Azif:
This is how I approached premature ejaculation: Start masturbating every day, but when you do masturbate go as slowly as possible and try to set a timer to increase the amount of time you masturbate before you ejaculate. Every time you feel like you are about to reach the point you are going to ejaculate just stop and breathe for a couple seconds and let the feelings subside before you get back to masturbating. Sometimes it even works to squeeze the head of your dick when you feel like you are going to ejaculate this can help the feelings subside so you can increase the amount of time you masturbate.
For example on day one I told myself when i masturbate i am not going to ejaculate until 5 mins of masturbating, the next day I went to 6, the next day 7, the next day 8, the next day 9, and so on until i was reaching a point where I could masturbate for about 15-20 mins without ejaculating. This technique helped build me build a "tolerance" so when I actually had sex I could last longer and longer as time went on.
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Peter:
Hmm, some random ideas:
The same study that found men orgasm within 4 minutes on average found women take 10-20, which obviously just doesn't work...but there's oral, fingers, dildos, vibrators, strap ons, and more, plus your penis, plus the possibility of combining them in different ways, sequentially, simultaneously, or in alteration. It might be good to get her to actually state what she wants. Can she actually cum from PIV? Because that's actually unusual, and if she can't, then it doesn't matter how long you last. Even if she can, she might do so a lot faster with the addition of, eg, clitoral stimulation (reach around, vibrating cockring, we-vibe, etc.) Alternatively, would she be happy with you penetrating her until you orgasm, pulling out, and then using a dildo and vibrator on her until she orgasms? If not, why not?
I guess my bottom line here is that, yes, 2 minutes is on the low side, but it may not be helpful or accurate to think of this purely in terms of how you can change. A relationship is a two-way street.
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Alam:
- More masturbation. Men often find that there's a "sweet spot" in between "I'm so horny I'm going to ejaculate instantly" and "I'm so sated I can't even get it up". You might find that a properly timed wank before you sleep with your partner can do wonders. (Also, cock rings can help a lot if you're having trouble keeping it up due to too many "preparatory" orgasms earlier in the day.)
- Better masturbation. A lot of people find they can last all day while masturbating, but the touch of a vagina is all it takes. Not surprising; a vagina feels nothing like (and vastly better) than your hand. You might find a fleshlight or similar good quality masturbation sleeve helps you get used to the feeling.
- Worse masturbation. A lot of guys come in here complaining not that they're cumming too fast, but too slow; a common diagnosis is "deathgrip". Years of masturbation (especially quick, hard, masturbation designed to get you off as quickly as possibly) as desensitized their penis so normal sex can't do it for them any more. The normal advice is to stop masturbating, but the reverse could maybe help you.
- Condoms. Everyone hates condoms because they block a lot of sensation, and often make it harder or slower to orgasm. You can let that work for you though, and use condoms even though your partner is in birth control. (If you already use condoms, try a thicker brand.)
- Desensitizing creams, gels, and spreays. Never tried them, but I hear they work okay.
- More sex. I've had issues in the past with ejaculating sooner than I wanted; for me it was mostly mental. If sex is this big, rare, special, high-stress thing, then performance anxiety will fuck you over. If you're having sex all the time, you might calm down and find the problem goes away. (I see you say you're having sex weekly and have cut out masturbation; I'm pretty sure MOST guys would be on a hair trigger in a situation like that!)
- Position. Small thing, but I last much longer in some positions than others. Might help!
- Partner attitude. Obviously you can't really control this, but again, a lot of this is mental. If you feel like she's judging you, it can make everything 10 times worse. Unfortunately, it sounds like she actually is, so uh...not sure where to go with that.
- Professional help. This sounds like a major problem that is impacting your life. It's very possible that there's a medical solution, especially if this is more than a mild case of the "oh, I'm horny and a bit nervous and came too fast". Therapy, viagra, numbing sprays...there are potentially options.
The same study that found men orgasm within 4 minutes on average found women take 10-20, which obviously just doesn't work...but there's oral, fingers, dildos, vibrators, strap ons, and more, plus your penis, plus the possibility of combining them in different ways, sequentially, simultaneously, or in alteration. It might be good to get her to actually state what she wants. Can she actually cum from PIV? Because that's actually unusual, and if she can't, then it doesn't matter how long you last. Even if she can, she might do so a lot faster with the addition of, eg, clitoral stimulation (reach around, vibrating cockring, we-vibe, etc.) Alternatively, would she be happy with you penetrating her until you orgasm, pulling out, and then using a dildo and vibrator on her until she orgasms? If not, why not?
I guess my bottom line here is that, yes, 2 minutes is on the low side, but it may not be helpful or accurate to think of this purely in terms of how you can change. A relationship is a two-way street.
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Alam:
Honestly,
there is some great advice here and some horrible advice here. As
someone who was once going through a similar problem all I can do is
tell you what helped me. Depending on the reasoning behind your speed
there are many things you can do. The first thing you can do is realize
that 2 minutes is not that bad. Evolution has given us a SHORT AS FUCK
orgasm time. 3-5 minutes is average, don't let porn tell you different.
Now, for me, there was one piece of advice that actually helped me, and it's going to sound weird or like a joke, but Katt Williams actually gave some damned accurate advice on this. And this is not something you will have to do for the rest of your life, we are basically "training" your dick to behave the way you want it to. I've gotten to the point of about 10-15 minutes sober and 15-30 minutes high (weed only). I started off at about 2-3.
The part about thinking about other shit was particularly helpful. While doing this, try actively slowing your breathing and practicing a reverse kegel. The worst thing you can do is tense up (like you are trying to stop a flow of urine, this is the part where I mention, an empty bladder is key here) as this will only expedite your imminent "Blam!". Honestly, take this time to think about what you want to do at work, figuring out why the fuck your motorcycle is stuttering between 2 and 3, or whatever the fuck else you want to think about, this is your time. Doing this while actively thrusting, looking at, and complimenting your woman will be hard, but you can do it.
Second, cunnilingus. Great Cthulhu dreaming in R'lyeh cunnilingus. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, twice on Friday, and just wear her like a tasty gas mask in China Saturday and Sunday. Practice the shit out of eating her pussy like you are a starving man in the desert just presented with an all you can eat buffet. Read articles written by women, ask your own woman. Foreplay is huge, and let me tell you most women include foreplay in the timing of sex... Eat her for 10 minutes and fuck her for 5 and that's 15 minutes right there man.
Third, get a Fleshlight. Let's face it, a hand is not even close to comparable to the tight warm embrace of a moist vagina (or properly lubed asshole, for those who prefer and our gay brothers). A fleshlight is a bit closer. Your subconscious is fully aware of the difference between your hand and a vagina. I can still finish in about a minute with my hand if I so choose, because the method is different. The stamina trainer is a bit pricey, but it honestly helped me immensely. Every time I masturbated I used my trainer instead, focusing on not clenching, on slowing my breathing and on knowing when I hit my threshold and pulling out.
Finally, pull out. Stop when you are getting close (try to be smooth about it) and take a short breather, kiss, stroke, lick, fondle, reposition, and get back in there. If you are smooth enough, it will feel seamless to her. Eventually it will get to the point where you don’t even have to think about what you are doing during sex, and you can lose yourself in the experience. Once you hit that point, it’s fantastic.
I honestly hope that some of this helps you, good luck!
Edit: Grammar and punctuation... Also, a final note, make sure she knows that you don't want to lose her over this. Make sure she is aware of your fears, but don't present it as blame, but rather as a request to help and to make her aware of what you want to try. Explain to her that you will not let this be the thing to come (phrasing, boom) between the two of you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Now, for me, there was one piece of advice that actually helped me, and it's going to sound weird or like a joke, but Katt Williams actually gave some damned accurate advice on this. And this is not something you will have to do for the rest of your life, we are basically "training" your dick to behave the way you want it to. I've gotten to the point of about 10-15 minutes sober and 15-30 minutes high (weed only). I started off at about 2-3.
The part about thinking about other shit was particularly helpful. While doing this, try actively slowing your breathing and practicing a reverse kegel. The worst thing you can do is tense up (like you are trying to stop a flow of urine, this is the part where I mention, an empty bladder is key here) as this will only expedite your imminent "Blam!". Honestly, take this time to think about what you want to do at work, figuring out why the fuck your motorcycle is stuttering between 2 and 3, or whatever the fuck else you want to think about, this is your time. Doing this while actively thrusting, looking at, and complimenting your woman will be hard, but you can do it.
Second, cunnilingus. Great Cthulhu dreaming in R'lyeh cunnilingus. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, twice on Friday, and just wear her like a tasty gas mask in China Saturday and Sunday. Practice the shit out of eating her pussy like you are a starving man in the desert just presented with an all you can eat buffet. Read articles written by women, ask your own woman. Foreplay is huge, and let me tell you most women include foreplay in the timing of sex... Eat her for 10 minutes and fuck her for 5 and that's 15 minutes right there man.
Third, get a Fleshlight. Let's face it, a hand is not even close to comparable to the tight warm embrace of a moist vagina (or properly lubed asshole, for those who prefer and our gay brothers). A fleshlight is a bit closer. Your subconscious is fully aware of the difference between your hand and a vagina. I can still finish in about a minute with my hand if I so choose, because the method is different. The stamina trainer is a bit pricey, but it honestly helped me immensely. Every time I masturbated I used my trainer instead, focusing on not clenching, on slowing my breathing and on knowing when I hit my threshold and pulling out.
Finally, pull out. Stop when you are getting close (try to be smooth about it) and take a short breather, kiss, stroke, lick, fondle, reposition, and get back in there. If you are smooth enough, it will feel seamless to her. Eventually it will get to the point where you don’t even have to think about what you are doing during sex, and you can lose yourself in the experience. Once you hit that point, it’s fantastic.
I honestly hope that some of this helps you, good luck!
Edit: Grammar and punctuation... Also, a final note, make sure she knows that you don't want to lose her over this. Make sure she is aware of your fears, but don't present it as blame, but rather as a request to help and to make her aware of what you want to try. Explain to her that you will not let this be the thing to come (phrasing, boom) between the two of you.
Manas:
A lot of guys I know have difficulty coming when they've had a fair bit to drink. Maybe give drunken sex a try?
Honestly though I think she needs to grow up. Reoccurring PE is not a big deal if both parties are willing to put the time and effort in to find a solution. The issue is whether or not the other person cares enough. What has she done to help you find a solution? Is she basically leaving it up to you to fix it? How could the stress and pressure be affecting your performance further?
I've had partners who have difficulties with premature ejaculation and also not being able to ejaculate at all... It was frustrating sure but I cared more about being with them than I cared about having ideal piv sex. We found other ways that I could have satisfying penetrative sex and I was content with those.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Honestly though I think she needs to grow up. Reoccurring PE is not a big deal if both parties are willing to put the time and effort in to find a solution. The issue is whether or not the other person cares enough. What has she done to help you find a solution? Is she basically leaving it up to you to fix it? How could the stress and pressure be affecting your performance further?
I've had partners who have difficulties with premature ejaculation and also not being able to ejaculate at all... It was frustrating sure but I cared more about being with them than I cared about having ideal piv sex. We found other ways that I could have satisfying penetrative sex and I was content with those.
Marian:
Make sure
to cum a couple times before you have sex. I don't know if you've
noticed, but it is harder to get off after you've recently cum. The
other thing I would say is - can you just cum and keep on going? All
men are different, but for me personally I can cum and keep on chugging.
As long as I keep the pace I don't lose my boner and I can even cum
again (but it always takes longer to cum the second time). I'm sure
you've heard of death grip - you might try doing that a fair amount, and
as others have said up your masturbations to 2-3 times a day, minimum.
Wear that nub raw!
The other thing I would say is that 2 minutes to cum isn't far off from the normal. I don't have the exact statistics but I think 3-7 minutes is average length of PIV for a man to cum. So don't get down on yourself. I've also found that getting my girl off first, even multiple times, takes a lot of pressure off me. After I get her off I just fuck till I cum, and I just keep on going after the fact. Sounds to me like your gf just wants a good hard fucking, so don't think about it, give it to her. If you cum, slow down a moment to reduce sensitivity and keep on plowing away. Otherwise, you could try a condom as that can reduce sensitivity or try different positions and paces to see what makes you cum slower. Good luck in your endeavors.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------The other thing I would say is that 2 minutes to cum isn't far off from the normal. I don't have the exact statistics but I think 3-7 minutes is average length of PIV for a man to cum. So don't get down on yourself. I've also found that getting my girl off first, even multiple times, takes a lot of pressure off me. After I get her off I just fuck till I cum, and I just keep on going after the fact. Sounds to me like your gf just wants a good hard fucking, so don't think about it, give it to her. If you cum, slow down a moment to reduce sensitivity and keep on plowing away. Otherwise, you could try a condom as that can reduce sensitivity or try different positions and paces to see what makes you cum slower. Good luck in your endeavors.
loner:
I know this is going to sound really weird, but as an experiment, try
talking during sex, like an actual conversation. Something that takes
your mind off of the actual act of sex, and see if that makes you last
any longer. Most of the time with this, there is nothing physically
wrong and it is just mental. The good news with that is a mental block
making you cum quickly can be over come. That being said, I understand
that it is hard for your partner, BUT she needs to understand and be
supportive of you as you trying to get better. Her saying that she can't
be with you if you can't last long is the worst thing she can do and it
destroys any kind of confidence. You just need to build that confidence
and not stress, easier said than done I know, but coming from someone
with your same problem, THERE IS HOPE.
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What about trying for a second round? Do you cum as fast the second time.
You can train down your refractory period pretty much tell it doesn't exist. I've never heard of someone not being able to last longer their second round. So, do her, get off, switch the condom, go some more. If you've got a longer refractory period, get off, switch to something like oral, play with her tits, then put on a new condom and go at it.
To parrot what other's have said though, dont edge and cut out porn,masturbation. Doing these things likely dulls your senses, which is what you need. You need to be less eager. You should watch porn like it's your job.
Try to just be naked together for a long time without having sex. let her play with ur willy, but not to the extent of ejaculation. after a while you will be more used to the whole im-gonna-cum-feeling and u can try to have ex.
also, if this is a problem, have you tried being in full control. get her to position herself in doggie and just stand still. you can get in and out and try to get as close to cuming without actually cuming. here you have full control because she is not moving or affecting you any more than necessary. basically another method to get used to the whole feeling.
You can train down your refractory period pretty much tell it doesn't exist. I've never heard of someone not being able to last longer their second round. So, do her, get off, switch the condom, go some more. If you've got a longer refractory period, get off, switch to something like oral, play with her tits, then put on a new condom and go at it.
To parrot what other's have said though, dont edge and cut out porn,masturbation. Doing these things likely dulls your senses, which is what you need. You need to be less eager. You should watch porn like it's your job.
Try to just be naked together for a long time without having sex. let her play with ur willy, but not to the extent of ejaculation. after a while you will be more used to the whole im-gonna-cum-feeling and u can try to have ex.
also, if this is a problem, have you tried being in full control. get her to position herself in doggie and just stand still. you can get in and out and try to get as close to cuming without actually cuming. here you have full control because she is not moving or affecting you any more than necessary. basically another method to get used to the whole feeling.
